Fitting a Polka-Shaped Body into Polkadot Pants

Spoiler alert: it does not end well.

I got it in my head that I really want a pair of cute navy jeans with little white polkadots for spring.  Look it up on Polyvore, and you’ll get a whole bunch of options ranging from $15 all the way up to $400+ for a pair. My budget is slim for short-term fashion, unlike my with-actual-curves body.  The options on offer seem to be mostly geared toward the skinny-minnie girls. Sigh.

I started at Target. Visually pleasing, low price point, and a cropped length for spring. Dressing room trauma in 3, 2, 1…  Apparently “Mid-Rise” means very different things in different stores. This pair was an instant spare-tire-maker, but really cute from the knee down. Fail #1.

Merona/Target $24.99.

I went online and looked at as many options as I could. But I was unable to put my finger on that fine line between unreasonably low-waisted and unreasonably mom-jeaned. In most cases the possible best options came in at around $100.

Today I moved on to Kohl’s department store for the simple reason that I needed to return an ugly tie for Mr. Pants. While I was there, I took three options into the dressing room. Failures # 2.3.4.   Admittedly, the fashions at Kohl’s are not always on point, but really, folks, REALLY??? At the least-terrible, Lee Slender Secrets. If I had a smaller bootay, these would have been a winner.

Kohls/Lee. $34.99.


Second, the Lauren Conrad jeans. A little too faded/sanded, but I tried anyway. I kid you not, I actually started talking to myself in the dressing room and almost took out my camera phone to document the instant muffin/pregnant look that these gave me. I couldn’t decide if I was too old, or just too fat.

Kohls/Lauren Conrad. $38.00


Next! Oh, wait, there was no next because the Gloria Vanderbilt choice was so cheap looking, and so off in color that I just couldn’t even bother. No picture is even available online they are so awful!

Ok, I know this post is a total downer. So does anyone have any advice for me, short of finding another pair of jeans and polka-dotting them myself? Whew, exhausting. I wonder what is going to happen when I try to find a coral cardigan…

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